The Frozen Blerch

This morning I went on a hike with Angela. We found our own summit on the mountains behind her neighborhood. It was quite adventurous! While we were out there, we were sharing our trials with food and how we tend to get ourselves worked up before taking on a diet plan. We also will sabotage ourselves, even though we could be off to a really good start with our foods. We'll be feeling really good and then we'll be like, "Well, that was cool. Back to what I'm used to.." 

What's that about? Also, what is the fear about really?

Why am I so against cutting out these foods. It's like that time my ex got so defensive about how he wanted to drink alcohol. I couldn't understand why or how it could be so incredibly important to him. It was clearly putting a wedge between us. But, here I am, letting my unhealthy attachment to some of these poisonous foods put a wedge between my relationship with myself and who I really want to be.

My friend Bryce had never seen Frozen before so we watched it tonight. While we were watching it, I was just realizing how much fear is the enemy. It can keep us frozen and unable to progress and it can keep us from truly being able to feel and experience joy, happiness, and love. So many times it's freezing and debilitating fear that keeps us from making actions at all. 

My doctor said something to me today that really hit me hard. He was explaining my PCOS and obesity could have been attributed to my mother and even her mother. Their choices in overeating foods because they were not as nutritional could have caused hormonal imbalances in the fetus while they were pregnant. But, also their lack of health and wellness could have, over time made it much more challenging for each generation to be at a healthy weight. Then, as we were discussing the pros, cons, and risks to different approaches to helping me overcome potential PCOS and obesity he said, "The most important thing is that you do not continue to do nothing."

I left there, feeling more of a sense of urgency to change. If I don't do it just for me, I need to consider doing it for my future children that I may have some day. 

I ran a mile as fast as I could this evening. It was so challenging, but the most challenging part was making the decision to do it and then sticking to the belief that I would follow through even when my friends were at my house late tonight. I declared it, and I did it. That was a blow against the frozen ice queen in me. I hope I can keep the ice pic coming until the unshakable warmth of certainty and trust sets in.

oodF

This past week, I decided to conduct my own experiment of sensitivity towards food. I decided to not hold back for any reason. In other words, if I wanted to eat something, I didn't tell myself I couldn't and I didn't tell myself that I'd have to stop at any given point. All of the sweets I typically deny myself throughout the week were provided to me, liberally. I even went and got myself the ice cream that I love to eat while sitting down to watch an episode of Arrow.
At first, I didn't really have any cravings. I had just ran a ton throughout the weekend for Ragnar and I felt "clean" and clear. Like, my bloodstream had been purged of any of the stuff that I usually would crave. However, when I was offered a treat in a more social environment, I didn't say no. There, it all began. I also picked up 4 boxes of cereal and a free gallon of milk due to a deal going on at Fry's. I think I had already come to the conclusion that milk makes me crave more things and raises my blood sugar because I remember feeling like I was splurging and that it's a good thing this is my food experiment week.
I purchased Cap'N Crunch and 3 boxes of Life. Life, when coupled with almond milk doesn't make me too crazy, but then again. I wanted to observe everything that would happen if I ignored that.
This week has been crazy! All of the carbs I would eat never satisfied me. I would eat until my stomach became uncomfortably full. But, then I would still feel like my body wasn't satiated.
I have had headaches, mood swings, energy slums. My heart would feel uncomfortably elevated, even though I was just sitting or even lying around. My complexion is anything but smooth and glowing.
I have felt bloated, gassy, and irritable. I have even found that even though I allowed myself this week, that I still felt ashamed and less social. I almost didn't make it to a cultural food night that my friend had been planning for a month because I had a headache and felt too tired to want to be around friends.
I made myself go, anyway. I am glad I did. But, I made a note of it.
The psychological and physical side affects of high sugar, high carb foods are astounding! In just one week, I went from feeling like a champion to feeling like a miserable sloth!
I made myself get up everyday to run, but would sleep in so late that I would literally only have a few minutes of running time. Even with only  few minutes, I remember on Thursday, feeling particularly tired and grateful I didn't have as much time to run.
This whole experience reminds me of how I felt as a child. I was morbidly obese at a young age and even though I was "cool" and had friends, I had an incredibly low self esteem. I would feel low in energy and depressed. I remember avoiding my friends sometimes -not because I didn't like them, but because I just wanted to sleep. I also was worried about being able to keep up with them. I was fully aware of how large and overweight I was and would be embarrassed to be around them sometimes.
My main meals as a child were cold cereal with milk, mac n cheese and a glass of milk, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with a glass of milk, roman noodle soup, and sometimes pancakes that grandma made and lots and lots of mmmilk.
As I grew older, I remember forcing myself to eat veggies and fruits. I branched out to refried beans, eggs, tacos, and tortilla pizzas. I felt better and my body proportions slimmed significantly to where I was was in between overweight and obese.
My shape had gotten better with exercise. My arms and thighs have always been extremely large. My stomach fluctuates between flabby and round. When I run consistently, my shape remains the same but will maybe get a little smaller. The difference becomes most obvious around my face and neck. I have never been at a "healthy" weight for my age, sex, and height.
I have tried multiple things, however. I've done crazy diets like the cabbage soup diet, HCG, and the negative calorie diet. I've done more moderate ones like the Curve's diet and Jenny Craig. The one that seemed to last and make the most impact for the long term was calorie tracking on MyFitnessPal. I had reached an all time high on the scale during my student teaching and my thyroid reading was slightly off. I talked to my doctor and multiple tests were ran that were inconclusive for my energy slums. Then, it occurred to me to track my eating on MyFitnessPal. He also gave me a drug that decreased my appetite and increased my energy. It was supposed to be a temporary fix, but it gave me the jump start I needed to lose 30 lbs and keep it off. Calorie tracking seemed to be working. I ended up losing some more yo-yo 20lbs so now I can occasionally say that I've lost 50lbs using MyFitnessPal.
But, I have to say that it's discouraging how large my arms and thighs are. I also have another 50-60lbs I need to lose to be considered at a "healthy" weight.
I am an active person. As seen in previous posts, I enjoy running and working out. I've tried different muscle training programs as well (i.e. P90X, group personal training, personal training, body pump, etc.).
A friend of mine mentioned "It Start's With Food" to me. I've read it and it makes a lot of sense to me. However, I am both skeptical of any "food fad" and of my own ability to overcome my unhealthy psychological relationship with food.
So, I feel like for me to create a healthy relationship with food, I need to be cautiously observant and I need to remember what it is that makes me feel terrible and what it is that makes me feel great. I don't want to forget how horrible I have felt this week. I'm surprised I haven't caught the flu yet! I did catch a cold sore on my bottom lip, however. Ewe!
This week, I am going to follow the simple "S" rules. The "S Rules" means no snacks, no sweets, no seconds except for Saturdays, Sundays, and special occasions.
I plan to document everything through MyFitnessPal and I also am tweaking the snack rule to allow healthy snacks like fruits and veggies if I am feeling I need something.
I am honestly looking forward to this restriction! I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired from this past week!

I Run Because

The last couple of weeks, I have been running quite a bit to get me going towards my running event goals; one of which is to run marathon before I turn 30. I've always wished I was athletic and strong enough to do something like that and for the longest time I thought it was out of reach. I do not have a runner's physique. And, my brother -as well meaning as he is, likes to remind me of that whenever I begin a somewhat ambitious training plan to run some sort of event.

He reminds me that I am heavy and so what I am doing is extremely damaging to my joints; my heart rate is too high for too long; I will get injuries and set backs, and it's not the best way to lose weight. 

And, while all of that might be true, I still love to run.
Here is a post that helps describe my feelings on the matter. I posted this right after completing a Ragnar with 3 of my really good friends and 9 other people that were previously strangers to me:
Feb 20-21, 2015
We did it! 
People ask me why I run. They question my sanity when I tell them how far I ran and how far I plan to the next day. 
I've been told "There are other ways to lose weight." 
My response, "Yes, I know. But that's not why I do it." 
I've been told, "You're crazy!"
"Yes. Imagine how crazy I am when I don't run!"
I run because every time I go out for a run, I come back as a better version of myself.
This weekend was an amazing run that has me feeling strong, weak, confident, humble, content, ambitious, grateful, assertive, relaxed, exhausted, motivated, and satisfied but wanting more.
This weekend I declared it, I did it. So did my teammates. The team 120 Sore Toes ran a terrific race of 206 miles over the span of about 36 hrs.
We did it together -some of us just meeting for the first time yesterday. We had a common goal and commitment and came together. It was simple and altogether amazing.
We cheered each other and supported each other. We cheered other teams and other teams cheered us.
I love the comradery shared among strangers at these events.
More then anything, I love the satisfaction of knowing I can overcome anything with love and prayer. The pain of a long leg, up a steep hill, with bursitis, and a stressed IT band may cause an arduous limp and a slower pace but getting over that hill and FINISHING what I set out to do is the most important achievement of all.
I conquered more than just a physical obstacle today. I was reminded pain is temporary when fought with endurance of faith, hope, charity, and loyalty to your goals. These attributes, coupled with the drive to persevere will take you to "the finish line" every time; God permitting.
I run because it helps me gain and remember that perspective in the more challenging and difficult parts of our lives.
And, let's face it, I really do love those shirts and medals we get at running events!