Today, I struggled to wake up and get going. I really didn't want to go to church and I felt anxious and uncomfortable. Maybe it was because I knew I had just eaten like a food addict all this past week (my birthday week), or maybe it was because I knew I had a ton of laundry, grocery shopping, homework, and schoolwork to do. I also wanted to fix Megan's car for her so she could get to work this evening. And, I wanted to make sure my car was emptied out (it was clear full of boxes to take to my classroom) in case she needed to use it.
I decided to take advantage of this last day of "freedom" and eat my Oregano's leftovers. As I was doing so, a little voice started telling me that this is my life and has been for a very long time. What makes me think I can change that now? Just because I wrote a blog post and shared it with some people; All the sudden, I'm supposed to have the energy to want to cook healthy meals and completely change who I am?
I felt I should get on the computer and see if the Gen Women's session was uploaded yet on lds.org so I could tell Mom where to go to listen to it. But, I felt like I should make a point to listen to it as well. It had some encouraging stories of women who didn't have the life that they wanted but as they had faith in the Lord and as they chose to fill their hearts with love, they were able to be happy. There were messages of having charity and humility and faith in Him. It was good for me to hear and I think it helped to remind me of the joy I feel when I am faithfully seeking His will and having charity for others.
I felt a surge of motivation to start organizing my life again. I put some laundry away and started a new load. I did the dishes, cleaned up some left over popped balloon pieces from my party yesterday, and then hit the road to take care of those boxes. Hearing the message helped me feel not so overwhelmed, but empowered to take care of these smaller things.
I got home just barely in time to take a 5 min shower and take Megan to church. We walked in just in the time for announcements and we were able to be there for the sacrament. The speakers were, Clint (a recently returned missionary), Katie (a convert of 1 year) and Brandon (another convert). I remember the talk that Clint gave of the atonement. Within it, he quoted an apostle stating the importance of not allowing Satan to make you look back and focus on who you once were. Or, to not look too far forward, but to be in the present. Let the Savior work with you. I felt that this was a message for me not to focus on how many times I've failed, but to move one step at a time into the right direction. One step, one day at a time. And, when I mess up, just put it behind me and keep moving forward.
In Sunday school Jacob Meyer gave a lesson and we spoke of reconciliation to God. It made me also think of this personal struggle I have. Megan made a comment about how Judas was consumed with his guilt in a way that kept him from progressing and learning. (He quit and gave up). However, Peter felt sorrow but wanted to do what he could to make it right so he chose to do better, and rather than ending his life he lived a life of love and ministry.
Sis. Brown (the bishop's wife) gave a lesson in Relief Society from Elder M. Russell Ballard's April 2015 General Priesthood session talk. She gave us these little handouts with questions on it to ask ourselves.
1. Do you search the scriptures regularly?
2. Do you kneel in prayer to talk with your Heavenly Father each morning and each night?
3. Do you fast and donate a fast offering each month -even if you are a poor, struggling student who can't afford to donate much?
4. Do you think deeply about the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for you when you are asked to prepare, bless, pass, or partake of the sacrament?
5. Do you attend your meetings and strive to keep the Sabbath day holy?
6. Are you honest at home, school, church, and work?
7. Are you mentally and spiritually clean? Do you avoid viewing pornography or looking at websites, magazines, movies, or apps, including Tinder and Snapchat photos, that would embarrass you if your parents, Church leaders, or the Savior Himself saw you?
8. Are you careful with your time -avoiding inappropriate technology and social media, including video games, which can dull your spiritual sensitivity?
9. Is there anything in your life you need to change and fix, beginning tonight?
...Each one of these questions made me realize I could do a little bit better to keep myself spiritually clean. Earlier today, I recalled the time I shared with Bishop that my spiritual and physical wellbeing usually go hand in hand. If I am doing well spiritually, I tend to do better at taking care of myself physically, and vice versa. This was a manifestation of how much I've been attacked spiritually lately.
I was also thinking about how grateful I am that I pushed myself to go to church today and open up my heart to these lessons. All of this is helping me realize the truthfulness of the statement, "The Sabbath Day was made for man (and woman) and not (wo)man for the Sabbath." The lessons taught were just what I needed to hear to help me move forward.
I'm on Level "0" but I am able to move up!
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